i used to think that i was overly sensitive and that i had to sweep my feelings under the rug despite them burning in my gut. acknowledging my own feelings was seen as a fatal flaw and potential downfall to most people around me. growing up, i had very terrible control of my feelings which made it very hard for me to distinguish and understand what these feelings were or why i had to feel a certain way.
i could not wrap my finger around why i had to project my feelings. what good would it bring?
one day, at the tender age of 12, i finally understood how good it felt to release all the monsters that were partying hard in me. that was it, i thought. lashing out at someone felt so euphoric; like i was high, on cloud nine.
an incident in school triggered a side of me that i never knew existed. i have always hated injustice so when i saw a friend getting picked on, i did not think any further. i hurled all the curse words that i had secretly memorised and went ahead with grazing my fist unto the bully’s face. the aftermath of this incident was not as messy as i thought it would be because i was one of the student leaders–the people around me did not expect me to behave that way, so they thought that i was going through a stressful time and due to my good conduct (and very good grades), i was let off the hook.
but like i said, i discovered the beauty of lashing out and since i was not held accountable the first time it happened, i began to cave in to the adrenaline rush that i felt each time i expressed excessively (verbally and physically). i became sneakier; i will try my utmost best to not get caught by the adults around me because it would be a hassle to put on my innocent facade.
day in, day out, the executive function of my brain worsened. the most prominent emotion that i frequently felt was perpetual anger and i did not even bother to hide it anymore. in some ways, i had it programmed into me that no matter what, anger was my best friend because seeing red would allow me to use my fist.
it was tiring though. i was dog-tired just by being angry. i could literally feel my heart pumping so hard whenever i got into fights and afterwards, i would feel weak.
at some point of time, one of my teachers approached me. she did not come to chide or judge me, all she wanted to do was… to understand me. she wanted to understand my anger.
obviously, i was reluctant to let her into my world. i did not think that it was necessary. when i saw how persistent she was, i gave in. what would change anyways? i was ready to live in and with anger, i said.
little did i know that one conversation was all it took to shift something in me. this teacher was so gentle that it pierced my heart. she started befriending me and forced me into so many leadership roles that basically banned me from smashing things (or people’s face) when i was angry.
in one way or another, when this teacher held me accountable and showed me the consequences of my actions, i started to sober up a little. slowly, i explored and got to know the monsters in me; my monsters. since they were in me, i was responsible for them. even monsters need to be cared for. of course, i did not do this alone. i had my teacher guiding me because the hell in me was a foreign territory, therefore i was scared of going into it alone.
it took some time for me to learn different ways to cope with my emotions. my anger, specifically, was like a rogue wolf thus i had to learn a lot of tricks to tame it. the journey was rough, it was no walk in the park but it was essential for me to brave through it as i wanted to be an educator just like my teacher.
now that i am an educator myself, i have had a lot of opportunities to learn, reflect and understand feelings better. not just my own feelings, but other people’s too.
my greatest takeaway from this experience would be:
- breathe: take deep breaths–breathe in through your nose, hold it there for 5 seconds before breathing out through your mouth. repeat this cycle for at least another 30 seconds.
- know your feelings: what are you feeling? anger? sadness? frustration?
- acknowledge them: do not invalidate your feelings by shrugging it off. you feel because it needs to be felt. by not doing anything, you are doing everything to let it snowball.
- understand why you are feeling that way: most of the time, you feel a certain way because it does not resonate with your values.
- talk yourself through it aka rationalise your thoughts and emotions: ask yourself questions like, “what will make me feel better without hurting others and myself?” or you can also engage in self-dialogue to reaffirm yourself; “time will heal but for now, i want to feel these emotions.”
- seek help: your loved ones are not your therapists so before pouring your heart out to them, always ask if they are emotionally available and have the capacity to listen. it is great if you would like to seek for professional help too as they are usually more equipped with proper techniques and strategies to help you. otherwise, if you feel like you are able to manage it yourself, seeking help could also be in a form of searching up on Google to see how you could calm yourself down and diffuse the negative emotions (i.e. exercising; running, yoga, sit ups, cooking, sleeping).
anger is not my best friend anymore, it is a part of me that exists to protect myself from being trampled on. it is a part of me that i can control and talk to when needed.
