grow.
i have grown quite a bit, stretched my mind a little further and tested my boundaries on a larger scale ever since those tiny crumbs were all i had to whirl into the momentum of life. it is quite amazing to see how much things have changed, with the days passing by like a blur. some things are still within the grasp of my fingertips yet a huge chunk of my identity has went through a much needed change.
having taken pride in constantly pushing myself to be better each day, it surely was bitter to know that during a certain period of time, i was stagnant, unable to move and unwilling to free myself from the shackles of reality. it was as if i was a prisoner in my own mind. being suffocated was definitely an understatement.
in all honesty, it felt like i was drowning even with a float on. i guess that was how the human mind and body work (or perhaps, just mine); it shuts down unexpectedly, throwing you into a full throttle whilst going on a dangerously high speed as you cruise down the hill. in other words, humans work dangerously, mysteriously and unexpectedly.
if you would like to see it on the flip side, it could also mean that no one knows how huge a person’s potential could ever be. everybody, with the indefinite number of cells in our body, carry different abilities and possibilities.
truth to be told, it was quite scary as i learnt to unfold and untangle myself from the mess i created. initially, i was definitely uncomfortable to learn that it was i, my whole self, that was toxic.
despite thinking that i would be open to learning and accepting my own shortcomings, i realised that often times, i was too invested in the idea of how i wanted to project myself- rather than welcoming who i really was. i was not a safe space nor a home to my own soul. being caught up in this faux idealism had a pernicious influence to how i viewed life and the people around me.
like a domino effect, it has taken a toll in the relationships that i have forged with my loved ones or those who i have loved dearly. i had this unhealthy attachment of false morality which i tried so hard to stand by. it was unquestionably embarrassing and sad, but at the same time, i learnt to validate whatever emotions i felt to humble myself.
it is always easy to pin point other people’s mistakes and flaws but when it comes to my very own, it was undeniably uncomfortable no matter how hard i tried to be open about it. hence, from this realisation, i gathered that this is a life-long process of understanding and practicing humility. the discomfort i feel in my gut each time i have to unlearn and learn something again is ironically comforting because it means that i am growing.
i do not quite like the term ‘growing up’; i believe that growing does not necessarily equate to moving upwards- it should embody the definition wholly, which is to grow in all ways.
don’t grow up, just grow however you want, indefinitely.
